Is offering to save a woman and her daughter from a man, whom you know absolutely nothing about, who could be good or bad, a valiant thing to do, or a presumptuous thing to do? Is it selfish? Being a knight is something to be proud of, after all. And looking at it the right way, it is saving a damsel in distress, and not breaking apart a family.
Does assuming the worst of the the man say more about me, her, or the nature of the world?
Work was terrible. We worked an hour longer than usual, which may not sound like a big deal, but it is nonstop physical work, and my body is used to working for three and a half hours, four hours max, not the five hours I did tonight. And I didn't care for the people I was working with. Usually, the people around me are nice and energetic, the sort that put a smile on my face simply because I enjoy being around them; tonight, the people were distant and quiet. I'm not sure how to explain it, but it wasn't a fun atmosphere, and while work isn't supposed to be, it typically is for me, because of the lively atmosphere. It really didn't help that there were no cute girls around me tonight; it may be shallow, but when a cute girl is near me, even if she doesn't talk to me or even notices my existence, I feel better. Have you ever been in a room with drab walls, perhaps a dark shade of orange? It isn't pleasant. Then, when you go into a room with bright walls, it's like the world has brightened. That's what it's like for me when a cute girl is near.
Of course, what I think is "cute" is different from what most people think. I can't explain it, but the physical appearance is secondary to the personality. The girl doesn't have to be bubbly or outgoing for me to think she's cute, it's not something as simple as that, but physical detriments are easily overlooked if I think her personality looks good. It is a very, very hard thing to explain, but often, when I look at people, I can tell what sort of person they are, in a very general way. If a person is bitchy or controlling, it's easy for me to tell within a few minutes of seeing and being around them. Likewise, if a person is kind and sweet, I can tell. I don't claim to be right all the time, and I don't consider this a sixth sense or anything, but people rarely hide who they are so to such an extent that their personalities cannot be discerned.
What really made work bad was that I felt nervous all through the night. Well, it was the combination of everything, but even if I had been surrounded by cute girls, I might have still been tense. I've been talking to a girl on Facebook for the past few months, someone from my past that I haven't seen in years. Dammit, it's First Love. Why play silly games? I've said that I've only been close to two girls, and have already revealed enough information so that if either of them read this blog, they'd know who I am and want to strangle me, so I might as well be open and upfront about things. I've been talking to First Love; I messaged her wanting someone to talk to, someone that knew who I was and what I was like, so I wouldn't have to explain things. The first thing she said to me was that she is engaged and has a young daughter, not even two years old. It didn't bother me, but it did shock me a little; only a little though, as it seems that every other person I know is either married, engaged, has a kid, or some combination thereof. We talked, and I complained whenever I felt shitty (which was most of the time), and she never said anything bad to me, like, "Quit your bitching." No, she was supportive, saying things like, "I hate that you feel so terrible, I really do." It felt good.
But here's something useful to know about me - I imagine things. I understand the way plot works, so I can see trails in reality, one thing leading to another, to another, and so on.. Another way to put it is that I assume bad things, or good things, because they'd make for a good book, movie, or TV show. So, because First Love has only ever talked about her daughter, and has said next to nothing about her fiance or her life or feelings, I took it as a possible sign of her unhappiness. That's fine; there is nothing wrong with thinking that a person may want a different life. But just thinking it wasn't good enough for me, oh no. Yesterday, I had to ask her whether she was really happy. And, because I don't do anything simply, I even said that if she wasn't happy, I would do everything in my power to make her happy. Maybe not now, but in the future. I would definitely make her happy in the future.
Now, First Love is a smart cookie. She always has been. She's intuitive and insightful. So she certainly is going to think I'm just concerned for a friend and wanting to be helpful, right? There's no way she's going to read deeper into it and realize that I'm a gigantic idiot that actually wants to be the one that makes her happy, right? Right?
So now I'm waiting for her reply, which I expect will be the online equivalent of her slapping me and a statement to the effect of, "Don't think you're so special."
The worst part of all this is that I am 80% certain that me wanting to be with her and have a life with her is a lie. To be sure, if she, despite the enormous odds, did want to be with me and thought me fit to share her life with me, I would most likely agree to be with her. But I doubt that will happen, and I'm not expecting it to. The best I can figure, me wanting to be with her stems from three things: 1) The fact that I never got to be with her in the past. I never got to be her boyfriend, I never got to see any part of her naked, I never got to have her love me. 2) That I am lonely and have been thinking a lot about my future, which I want to include a wife and at least one child. 3) That I feel like my "true love" will never come, that I will always be alone, that no one could ever actually want to be with me in a lasting relationship.Psychologically, it seems obvious that I am using First Love to overcome some of my issues and that I don't really want to be with her.
But psychology isn't always right. And you know, it's easy to say that fate doesn't exist, but crazy things happen that make people say, "It was fate." So which is it for me? Is it fate or coincidence? Is it true or a lie?
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