Asperger's, Alone

"Man is by nature a social animal; an individual who is unsocial naturally and not accidentally is either beneath our notice or more than human. Society is something that precedes the individual. Anyone who either cannot lead the common life or is so self-sufficient as not to need to, and therefore does not partake of society, is either a beast or a god." - Aristotle, Politics

I was originally only going to use the first part of the quote, about man being a social animal, but after reading the entire quote, I thought it fitting. Everyone has to communicate with others, in some way; truly, the only exceptions would be those that do not belong in society, either because they are harmful or above us.

Even the Buddha spread his message.

I am not a god. Sometimes I wish I were (hell, most of the time I do), but I am not nor will I ever be. I need people. I may only need one person, and if I had a choice, I would only have one person, and the rest could go to hell, but that one person would make me part of society. Well, it'd be me being social.

The fact that I need to interact with people is the root of my problems. Really, it's the only thing I have to complain about. I have food, I have enough money to survive (though not enough to avoid stress), I have ways to occupy my time and hobbies I love. I have so many books to read, games to play, and shows to watch that it'd take me years to go through them all, and while I'm going through them, I will acquire more, of course. I have no excuse for being bored, and really, I never get bored. I may act like I'm bored, but it's actually loneliness. Just like sometimes, you end up eating a hamburger when you want pizza, or you watch a mediocre television show because nothing else is on, sometimes you play a video game or read a book when all you want is to talk to someone. But no one's there.

Sometimes, no one is there to talk to you because they're busy. That happens all the time, right? It happens to my brother an awful lot. He'll be lonely because all his friends are doing something else or sleeping when he's awake because he works odd hours. That's normal, and it's to be expected. Every now and then, you just have to deal with being lonely because other people have their own lives. But you know they're there, and you know you'll eventually get a chance to see them. And if not, you at least know that they'd like to see you, given the opportunity.

Not me. I am alone. I'm not lonely because everyone is busy or sleeping or otherwise occupied. I'm lonely because no one is there. At all.

I talk to people, sure. I have friends on Facebook that mean a lot to me. We are separated by states and will probably never see one another in person or even hear each other's voices, but at least there is some support. It helps me so much that it's pitiful. What is copper to everyone else is gold to me. But they don't know me well, and I don't know them well. They know more than other people, but what they know is only a small part of who I am. (That's partly why I started this blog, to give people a chance to know more about me.) I am an iceberg; what you can see by looking, even by touching, is only a small part. There is so much more underneath the water, ten times as much, twenty times as much. A hundred times more than what you can know by looking at me, watching me, studying me.

I can't communicate well with people. I'm good with words but only when writing. Talking in person, I tend to be a mess, unsure of what to say or do, and the times I know what to say or do, I usually find myself unable to say or do them. When a person is upset, I know you're supposed to put your arms around them and tell them that you care about them, but all I can do is stand there awkwardly, telling myself to do it, do it, do it! and never moving an inch. Maybe I'll be able to put my hand on their shoulder and say, "I'm sorry."

But communicating online isn't enough for me. I'm never certain if people are being sarcastic or how serious or light-hearted a comment is. I can't read subtext online; rather, I can't tell whether there is subtext or not. I can think of the possibilities but don't know how to pick which is the most possible. Talking to people online just confuses me, if the subject is at all serious. And usually, all I want to talk about is serious stuff, whether it's personal or philosophical or political or whatever. And it stresses me out. I'm not sure when to stop talking. If I say, "Thank you," and they say, "You're welcome," is that it? If I run out of things to say, do I say so and hope they can continue the conversation on their own? It's pressure, and I can't take it.

A few years ago, there was a forum I visited every single day, and every day, I spent several hours on it. I loved the site, I loved the people there, and I loved to visit it and post. Someone that liked my posts started messaging me, through private messages. I sent a few and enjoyed myself, but after a few weeks, my visits to the site started to decrease because I wasn't sure how to reply to the messages. I didn't know what to say or what was expected of me. Eventually, I stopped going to the site altogether. Last year, I revisited the site, but I made a new account and didn't tell anybody that it was me. I posted for a few months but lost interest in it. I didn't want to make any friendships because I knew they'd just lead to messaging, and I couldn't take that pressure again.

I need to see people. I need to touch them. I need to be close to them. But I hate people. They're annoying and stupid, they don't like the things I like (even if they like reading, no one ever likes the stuff I read, or if they watch anime, they never watch the stuff I watch), and they don't understand who I am or care. I'm weird, I like weird things, I like to discuss things in a weird way, and I don't fit in anywhere. I have no real friends. I have no one I can confide in, no one to hold my hand when I'm feeling down, no one to kiss my forehead to make me smile, no one to hug me when I need a hug. (And I mean a real hug, not some bullshit way of greeting. If I just met you, I don't want to hug you. There is no reason for us to hug, just like there is no reason for us to kiss. It doesn't mean anything, it has no meaning.)

I'm not alone because I push people away. I'm alone because I'm weird. I push people away because they can't accept me as I am, and I refuse to change. I don't want to see that bored look on your face as I excitedly talk about how interesting some simple facet of human life is, so I don't say anything, and when you're thinking of people you want to spend time with, my face doesn't pop into your head. I don't want to waste time sitting around a fire and getting drunk, so I decline your offer to do as much over the weekend, and you don't think of me when you plan to do something that's actually fun. You don't know anything about me, like that sometimes I start crying when I'm laying in bed and trying to sleep, or that sometimes I wish I could wear pretty dresses and makeup, or that I am constantly full of anger simply so that I won't get so sad that I take a whole bottle of pills and die, you don't know any of those things or the many other secrets I have, so when you tell me that you care about me, I don't believe you. You're lying, you're just saying it to make me feel better, or to make yourself feel better; whatever the goddamned reason, it's not true, because anybody that really cared about me would listen to me and want to hear what I have to say, would dig deep into me and extract at least one secret, one thing that lies beneath the freezing water. But no one has, and I honestly don't think anyone ever will. Because trying is too fucking hard, especially when I look and act so normal and suddenly seem so weird when I start being myself.

I have to make a choice. I can either hate myself, or I can hate you. And that really fucking sucks, that those are the only options open to me. But that's how it is. I have no one, and it's either my fault or everyone else's. So do I hate myself for being abnormal and hard to handle? Or do I hate people for not being able to deal with me or not wanting to?