Being a Parent

I'm a big fan of anime, or Japanese animation for anyone not familiar with the term. (If you're incredibly unfamiliar with it, it might be good to read the Wikipedia page on it if you're going to read anything I write, because it's a major part of my life, being my main preoccupation and interest.) Lately, I've been watching a show called Usagi Drop. That translates to Rabbit Drop, as if that explains anything. The title doesn't make a lot of sense, and I doubt it ever will. A lot of anime series in Japan have titles that don't make much sense or aren't relevant to the series at all.

Anyway, the show is about a 30-year-old man who goes to his grandfather's funeral and discovers that he has an aunt - a 6-year-old girl, the old man's illegitimate child. Her mother has run off, and the little girl (Rin) has nowhere to go, so the man (Daikichi) agrees to take her in, unable to bear the thought of her being passed around or taken in by the government. The show is about being a parent; we see Daikichi confused and embarrassed at what is involved in being a parent, but more often, and more importantly, we see how much he cares for this poor little girl, whose father is dead and whose mother isn't even a memory. We see Daikichi take care of Rin, and we see Rin trust Daikichi and rely on him.

I've watched five episodes, and I've cried during every one. Sometimes more than once. I've listened to the opening song many times (I downloaded the whole song so I could listen to it), and I've been humming it under my breath at work this past week. It's gotten to the point where just hearing the song makes me smile, and makes my heart feel like it's going to burst. It's also gotten to the point where hearing the song makes me cry.

The show is touching. I can't even put it into words. But it hits me harder than it would a lot of people, because my dream is to have a daughter. And I'm about at the point where I don't think it will ever happen. I feel old; rather, I feel like I'm going to be too old. Daikichi is 30, and he's just become a parent, so being a parent at 25 is no big deal, right? Except that Rin is 6 when Daikichi takes her in; she was born when he was 24.

Having a child before I'm 26 is a dream, because I'll be 26 in a few months. Starting a family before I'm 27 is unrealistic, too, because I'd have to find a woman I can love, and who can love me. (I'm not the kind to knock up a girl; the very thought of actually having sex with someone scares me. It's too intimate. I have no problem with doing sexual things, but actually joining with someone like that just seems like too much. It takes me a long time simply to be able to talk freely around people.) If I have a child when I'm 28, I'll be middle-aged before she even starts school. By the time she graduates high school, I'll be an old man. Okay, I have a slanted view of age, but it seems weird for an 18-year-old girl's father to be close to 50. Doesn't it?

Of course, that's if I can even get married and have a daughter. You know, I don't have anything against having a son, but it's hard for me to relate to most other men, and I'm afraid that I'd be a bad father for a boy. My own father wasn't really there for me growing up, and I'm not really there for him now. I love him, but I don't know how to act around him or what to say. I don't want that to happen between me and my child. But that's putting the cart before the horse again. I don't know how to meet people; dammit, I don't understand how adults date at all. I don't understand anything adults do, really. How can I meet a woman when I don't know how to do so, and how can I woo her if I don't know what I'm supposed to do? I don't want to be defeatist, but it's like I'm fighting an unwinnable war, where the enemies are everywhere but I don't know what they look like. All I can do is get stabbed and fall to the ground.

I'd be a great father. I'm not very confident about most things, but I'm confident about that. There's a lot I don't know, and I'd need a lot of help, but I'd love my child, and I'd do anything for him or her. A child needs love and support, and I have so much of that to give. The thought that I'll never get to is too much to bear. I don't even care about passing on my genes; they're shitty genes anyway, even without the autism. I wouldn't mind raising another's man child or children, and I wouldn't mind adopting or taking in foster children. But I can't do it alone; a child should have two parents anyway, be it a mother and father or two fathers or two mothers. Hell, I doubt they even let single men adopt or take in foster children. I don't know. I'm just scared at the prospect of the future, or the lack of a prospect.

The world is scary. But it's not living that scares me. It's not living, being alive and with breath in my lungs but not doing what I want to do. That purgatorial existence where the days simply go by. I don't want that. I don't want that at all.