Overload

I went to an anime convention this past Saturday. It was very fun. I walked around with some people I trust (or come close to trusting), I never had to do anything that made me uncomfortable (though at night we did walk around a city, and I didn't care for that at all), and I got to see a lot of interesting and exciting things. (God, the cute girls and amazing outfits make it all worth it.)

When I got home Sunday morning, I was exhausted. I slept a ton. I was also exhausted and slept a ton the day after. It is now Tuesday, and I am still tired.

Hurray for Asperger's!

This is a common thing for people with Asperger's. We go out and do something, and then we crash and feel like we've run a marathon. It doesn't matter if it was something as simple as going to the store, it can still wear us out.

I'm not an expert on autism. I have it, and that's pretty much all. So excuse me if I am completely wrong about things, but I believe that this break-down after venturing into the world (or just hanging out with friends) comes from sensory overload. We see a lot, we think a lot, and we have trouble processing it all. We may enjoy ourselves at the time, but after we get away from the excitement, once we are able to get back into our own worlds, our brains fry. It's not a conscious thing, it just happens. And though it doesn't happen all the time, there really isn't any way to prevent it.

I can only speak from personal experience, but to me going out and doing something is radically different from being relaxed at home, and there is a simple symbol that separates the two - shoes. When I'm at home, I never wear shoes. Why bother, right? I'm just walking around the house. But if I need to leave the house, I have to put on shoes. Over the years, it's become ingrained in me that putting on shoes means putting aside the relaxed version of myself, who is unseen by everyone and isn't judged by anyone, and becoming a more responsible person, who will buckle down and focus on getting things done. Though it's not as bad now as it used to be, an easy way to tell if I'm comfortable around you is whether I always keep my shoes on around you or if I can take them off without coercion. Because once my shoes are off, I can be a bit of a slob. I'm more likely to say what I'm thinking and not worry about how you might interpret it. I can be a real asshole. But honestly, everybody can (and is). The only difference with me is that I hide it most of the time. Once I allow myself to relax, I can be my complete, true self, and that can come as a shock to people that think I am incapable of being, well, human.

So, when I put on my shoes, I become somewhat like a different person. I'm not really that different, but I do think. To put it simply, when my shoes are on, I'm working. I am exerting effort. Imagine having to constantly work, never getting a real break. Even if it's a small amount of work, it literally never lets up until I take my shoes off and get comfortable. It's like holding your hand up. It's not hard to do, but after you've had it up for a minute or two, it really starts to hurt. A fun exercise - try holding your hand up for thirty minutes. It doesn't have to be all the way up, just up to your eye or thereabouts. See if you can keep it there for half an hour. Most people won't be able to, and those that can won't be able to do so without feeling quite a bit of pain. That's what socializing is like for people with Asperger's, or at least people like me. It's constant effort, without any breaks. We're lucky if we can catch our breath by going to the bathroom and just sighing in relief that no one's eyes are on us, but even that may not be an option if there is anybody else in the bathroom (public restroom, that is; hopefully there wouldn't be anybody else in a home bathroom, eek). It's hard, and it's understandable why most of us don't like to leave the house or be around large groups of people. It doesn't mean that we're anti-social or don't like other people or doing fun things. It just means that often, what we'll get out of it is not worth the work we'll have to put into it, even if it would be a very fun and rewarding experience. And believe it or not, that says more about what we have to deal with than the quality of the event.