Letter to My Parents (Safe Version)

My parents recently responded unfavorably to my plan to move to a different state next year so I can be with my girlfriend. I was quite upset by it. My girlfriend suggested that I write down my thoughts, the things I wish I could, or one day might, say to them. This is the version I would probably tell them, leaving out certain aspects of the truth so as to avoid what could be a very bitter scene. *Takes a deep breath* Here goes. (Note: Names are fake.)

You guys have no idea, but I'm in  love with Kat. That may not make sense to you, but really, I've been in love with her for years. The moment we meant, there was an attraction. There's a reason we were best friends, always talking to each other, for hours at a time. There's a reason I always spent as much time as possible with her. I loved her, even if I couldn't admit it to myself at the time. And she loved me.

She was engaged to Dumbass. But that didn't make my feelings go away, nor did it make her feelings go away. Before she met me, she had promised to marry him. I'm not going to say whether that was right or wrong - that's her life, she can explain it herself. Just that, despite her being engaged to him, there was still a bond between us, the desire for one another's company, the need to be accepted by the other. We did date, for a short while, and it didn't work out for the same reason we often didn't talk for periods, because I wasn't ready to be that close to another person. Shortly before we stopped talking for nearly five years, I realized that I did love her. Miscommunication on both our parts led to our horrific fight. I walked away because, after discovering that I loved her, I was scared. I was afraid of being with her because I was sure that eventually, it would fall apart. I've had commitment issues since I was a teenager, always shoving people away. That was another example of that, the main example, really.

Over the past four years, she and I have separately reflected on what we were when we knew each other. When we started talking again, it confirmed to both of us that our feelings hadn't vanished. We were still in love with each other. This time, however, a 45-minute drive wouldn't let me see her. But in exchange for that, we were both far more mature and knowledgeable about ourselves than we were before. We're not afraid of loving one another.

Why do I love her? Because she gets me. No one else ever has, not the way she does. She tolerates me, deals with my depressive episodes and my negativity, as well as my manic sprees and bold declarations. I feel emotions very strongly, and she understands that and is okay with it. She accepts my weaknesses and wants to help me. She doesn't condemn me. She doesn't ignore me. She lets me be myself. I'm not afraid to say what I think about her. And if all that doesn't sound special, think about this: All of those things are extraordinary, because I don't get any of them from other people. I'm always the person I have to be around whoever I'm around. When I'm around Dad, I have to be a certain person. When I'm around Mom, I have to be a certain person. When I'm around both of them, I have to be a third person, separate from the other two. I can't say what I want. It's like putting on a different suit to deal with each person and each combination of people. I don't have to put on airs around her. I can be my weepy, girly self, my dominant, forceful self, my geeky, nerdy self, I can be who I am! And I can't even imagine anyone else letting me do that.

I'm not sure that I'll like living with her family. And yes, she has children. But why not take a chance and maybe be happy? Because I'm certainly not happy here. It can be enjoyable, but I have no one to love, no one to take care of me when I need it, no one to even talk to! All my friends are a joke, I'm not building towards anything, and I am getting nowhere at all. No goals, no ambition, nothing. And even if I do develop an ambition, there's no way I'll be able to make it come true. You guys do your best, but you simply know nothing about progressing in this world. I never went into a four-year school mostly because it was too much hassle. It's not because the homework would have been too hard or it would have cost too much money. Plain and simple, we didn't follow through because we didn't understand all the forms and protocols and got scared. And we've talked about me trying to get into a trade place, learn something useful and get a good job. What's happened with that? Absolutely nothing. Because all this family does is talk. We have no conviction, no confidence, no desire to take a chance. We'd rather go down on a slowly sinking ship than jump in the water and try to swim for safety. That's why it took us years to move out of the shithole we used to live in, despite it being obvious that the dump was falling apart, the landlord was never going to fix anything, and the bills were going to keep being so expensive that we could barely pay them. It's not because moving costs a lot of money; that factored, but it was mostly because the two of you didn't want to rock the boat or try. Same with every other problem we've ever had. As soon as we moved into this place, I pointed out that one of the showers was effectively useless. Has anything happened? Have you talked to the landlord about how the shower fixtures are crappy and need to be changed? Nope. We just use the shower as a storing place for a laundry basket. And it'll probably still be like that six months from now. Probably longer.

So you'll have to excuse me for wanting to get away from this apathetic atmosphere. Kat will help me create my own life, in a new city where I can be whoever I want, where I don't have to worry about someone who knows my brother finding out some secret of mine and relaying it to him, who then relays it to you. I won't have to worry about running into old dicks from high school who think they know a single thing about me. I won't have to be "Shaggy." I'll be my own goddamned person, who handles his own money, plans his own future, and does things for himself. Frankly, I'm tired of being dragged down by this family. I need strong people to support me, or else I'll keep being weak my entire life. And doing drugs, getting arrested, not keeping any sort of financial record, blowing money, never saving a dime, never improving yourself the least bit - that's the definition of weak. And I am sick and tired of it.

I want to live a good life, with a woman I love, without constant, idiotic fights that revolve around neither person listening to the other. I want to help raise happy children in a happy home. I want to not be poor my entire life. I don't want to be working class forever. Will living with Kat and her family be paradise? Certainly not. But it can't be worse than what I've lived in my entire life. I'm tired of the hate, the anger, the sheer lack of motivation. I want better. I deserve better. If you can't understand that, if you want me to go on living this tepid life, where nothing changes at all, then you really don't care about me. I'm a 25-year-old that doesn't know how to drive! Because you didn't teach me. I got my first job five months ago! Because you never made me get a job or really helped me look for one. I graduated a community college summa cum laude, with terrific grades, but never continued my education. Because it was too hard to figure out the process. I let you do all these things, I didn't try hard enough to make them happen, I will admit that, but you're my parents! It was your job to make me do things, to prepare me for the world! When I wanted to learn how to drive, neither of you tried hard to teach me. When I said that I wanted a job, wanted something to kill all the time I had, nobody took me to places or told me to call back relentlessly, that that's how you get a fucking job!. When I wanted to go back to school, all I got were long discussions about how easy it would be and empty promises that we'd look into it at some point.

I'm disgusted at the state my life is in right now. Is it so crazy that I want a change?

(Yeah . . . lot of anger there. Might want to hold off talking to my parents about this for a long, long time.)