What to Say?

I haven't posted in a while. I haven't know what to say, honestly.

I said that I would talk about the birthday party from hell, and how I got the cut on my arm, but I was wary of delving into the details for fear that I would get depressed or overly emotional or stuck in the past that is gone forever and can never be changed. Now, I simply feel no need to revisit those scenes. There is no catharsis to be gained from them.

Two days ago, I got in touch with an old friend. Cowgirl, to be specific, the first and only girl with whom I've gotten hot and heavy (outdated references, yay!). We hadn't spoken in years. I sent her a message on Facebook, apologizing for the asshole that I had been. It was something I'd been thinking about doing for a couple of months. It's easy for me to carry guilt, as it seems to be for a lot of Aspies, and I knew that the dissolution of our relationship was partly my fault. I felt that she deserved an apology. But I lacked the courage to ever say anything to her. I just knew that she hated me, that she never wanted anything to do with me ever again.

Boy, was I wrong.

Two days, and it's like nothing's changed, as if those years apart didn't exist, except to make us both better people. I don't understand it, but I also don't care. I'm happy. I have someone to support me, someone that loves me and will always love me, who knows that I have Asperger's and who said, "It explains a lot." I don't mind who I am right now. That is a very funny feeling. But I am definitely not complaining.

So, I no longer want to change the past, nor do I want to revisit it. It's gone, dead and buried, and nothing will ever change that. The only benefit the past has is that it can teach me; I can understand people's motivations and feelings and fears. At the birthday party from hell, I hurt Sayla by being cold to her, and she hurt herself because of it. That in turn hurt me. Alcohol was involved, as well as some horny guys that deserve to be shot for messing around with a young drunk girl. I'll never forgive them for that. I hated it, she hated it, and I think we both wished that things had happened completely differently. But the past can't be changed. All I can do is  know that Sayla has suffered and try to think of things that will help her and not make her feel bad.

As for the cut on my arm, that came about because I was stupid and naive, plain and simple. I had lied to myself about Sayla and didn't believe what she was, and when faced with the undeniable truth of the matter, I couldn't handle it. I got hit my Lil' Slugger. ("Lil' Slugger seems to target people in crisis, and the attacks, though violent, lead to some improvement in the life of the victim . . . Lil' Slugger is a supernatural force, driven to rescue the desperate from their tragedies through violence," from the Paranoia Agent Wikipedia page.) That may not make any sense to anybody, but I understand it. When you're stressed out and can't take it anymore, Lil' Slugger comes along and hits you with his bat. When this happens, you are able to skirt responsibility. It's not your fault - Lil' Slugger did it. People can't expect anything from you, not for a while. You have to rest, recuperate from your ordeal.

The scar is a sign of my shame. I wasn't understanding; I wasn't accepting of her. But it is proof of how far I've come. Understanding and accepting are my best traits now. It's fitting that the scar is covered with hair and hard to see. I think I may even forget I have it one day.

So, instead of drudging up the past, I'm going to try to use this blog to talk about important things. Like what, I have no idea at the moment, but I'm sure most posts will involve Asperger's and/or concern for others. There may be wisdom, there may be relate-able anecdotes, there may be a light into the mind of someone called great by a handful of people. Who the hell really knows? But it should all be worth something, to someone.